can I go again?

I'll be turning 41 next week. Yeah, that went fast, didn't it.

I've been reflecting on this past year of being 40 -- how extraordinary it was. One of the most extraordinary years I've ever had. So many dreams come true. So many successes. A few failures along the way, too. Some deep lows as well as steep highs. And as the cycle rolls to an end, I feel as most roller-coaster enthusiasts feel the moment they get off the ride: Can I go again?

Seriously, I'd like to be 40 all over again--well, not exactly re-live it all, just keep being 40 for another year. As if it was the number that somehow manifested all the good fortune. I want to make it last a little longer. Keep drawing all that good energy to me. Keep meeting the people I want to meet (or have already met, and meet them again), achieving the goals I want to achieve, and manifesting the intentions of my creative imagination. Keep having all that fun.

And let's face it: I'd like to keep covering up those greys.

It's easy to fall into the trap of trying to stay on top of the mountain once you've reached it, especially since there's nowhere to go but down. We've seen it before: Some people (and not necessarily the ones I mention below) who achieve phenomenal success so early on become paralyzed by that success and can never quite live up to it. And of course, the demanding public and critics never let them forget it. Everything McCartney, et. al, ever did following Sgt Pepper was forever compared to it, as Brian Wilson was to Pet Sounds, Michael Jackson to Thriller, Aaron Sorkin to The West Wing, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck to Good Will Hunting, JK Rowling to Harry Potter, and so on. We want Oscar-calibre on demand. We want to keep them on the pedestal, where they dazzle so brightly in the sunlight. We want the thrill of the roller-coaster ride to never end.

But it has to.

Thing is, some never realized it was a phenomenon in the first place.

It'd be pretty difficult to match, much less top, the year I've had. I can already see myself falling into the trap of disappointment at times: Sure, my book sales are good right now, but not as good as this time last year... But I can't let myself get sucked into that. I can't create with the intention to match that success; otherwise I'll never be satisfied, and I'll never, ever make it. I can't hold every achievement and every moment next to the Year of Being 40.

But that's not to say that I can't set the bar high on my intentions. No, I'm still thinking big. But I'm thinking big for this year. A new year, new ideas, new markets, new events, new readers, new possibilities. A new ride, with new thrills of its own. A new mountain. Different, rather than better or worse than the last one. That's my goal, to keep sight of that.

And numerologically speaking, "1" is an important number this year. So perhaps 41 will bring a magic all of its own.

As long as I get to keep coloring the greys.

40 for 40

Sally (weeping): And I'm gonna be *forty*!! Harry: When?
Sally: Someday...


Well friends, it's finally here. And I gotta tell you, so far it's rockin'.

I know I've been a little list-crazy as of late, but here's the last one for awhile. I promise.

40 things I want to do/complete/achieve this year (in no particular order):

1. Hit #1 on the Kindle best-seller list. (What's fabulous about this is that I started compiling this list last week, having no idea that I'd come so close today -- I'm at #11!!)

2. Buy a Volkswagon Beetle. Red.

3. Meet my friends from a certain discussion forum in person. (Just because we haven't met in person yet doesn't mean they're not "real" friends.)

4. Finish WILS.

5. Attend a writer's conference.

6. Start a Reiki practice.

7. Resume playing my guitar, and get better at it. (Lessons would be nice)

8. Sell more print copies, and get into more bookstores.

9. Sell movie rights to Faking It and Ordinary World.

10. Buy a new bed. (Seriously, I haven't had a new mattress in a friggin' long time, and my headboard is just plain bad feng shui.)

11. Meet Nora Ephron for lunch.

12. Meet Aaron Sorkin for dinner.

13. Meet Duran Duran for the helluvit.

14. Start painting again (pictures, not walls).

15. Take a trip w/ my best friend since birth. (Not my twin brother, my other best friend, although I've known her almost as long. Although he's invited too.)

16. Travel to at least 3 cities I've never been before.

17. Go on a chocolate-themed vacation.

18. Host a dinner party. (I was gonna say Thanksgiving dinner, but I don't know if I'll be ready for that this year!)

19. Spend less time on Facebook and more time writing. (Yeah, right. Good luck with that one...)

20. Write a pilot script for a TV series.

21. Pay off my credit card debt.

22. Attend the premiere of The Social Network.

23. Be invited to the premiere of The Social Network.

24. Attend a Major League Baseball game.

25. Do an interview with NPR.

26. Meet Richard Russo.

27. Color my hair (aka, get rid of the damn grey! It's the only thing I'm complaining about as far as age goes.)

28. Stop reading my reviews.

29. Take better care of my teeth.

30. Record a song.

31. Make audio versions of my novels.

32. Buy a bicycle and use it (and seriously, learn how to ride again!)

33. Find out my grandmother's golden cake with chocolate frosting recipe. (Although who am I kidding? It'll never come out as good as hers. Ever.)

34. Spend less time watching re-runs on TV. (I mean really, how many times can you watch Law&Order, any version?)

35. Reduce my courseload to part-time.

36. Get an agent and traditional publishing deal. (I've been waffling on this one. Certainly I've been doing ok on my own, and I've been critical of some agents' and others' attitudes toward self-publishing and indy-published authors. But the fact remains that there are advantages and opportunities available to authors with agents and traditional publishing deals. I think the real accomplishment for me would be knowing I *could* get one if I want, and I believe I can and will this year.)

37. Buy a turntable (You knew that one was comin', didn't you. The funny thing is that I don't even own an iPod yet. Or a Kindle, for that matter.)

38. Re-vamp my website. (Or, at least update it.)

39. Better manage my time and energy.

40. Celebrate our birthday with my siblings on Long Island.

And to my dear twin brother: Without you, my entire life would've been short on joy and long on loneliness. Happy Birthday.

the signs of turning 40

Of course, there are the visible signs of turning 40 - the grey hair, the crows feet, the getting-your-ass-kicked in Guitar Hero by your young nephew, and coming to terms with your nieces and nephews getting their driver's licenses, getting their college degrees, getting married... Then there are the signs not necessarily visible to the naked eye, but present nonetheless. The I'm-getting-a-head-start-on-my-midlife-crisis signs. To know me is to recognize them.

Mind you, there are some areas in which I have never fully grown up. I still consider the pop tart an essential food group. I still jump up and down at a Duran Duran concert. Hell I still go to Duran Duran concerts. I watch vintage Sesame Street and The Electric Company shows on DVD. (I'm waiting for The Best of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood). But lately I've been resurging other parts of my youth. The parts that don't make me cringe. And it's not that I want to be young again. I sure as hell don't want to be a teenager again, and parts of my 20s weren't all that terrific either. But there is something to be said for nostalgia, for listening to the scratches and pops on vinyl records. There's something to be said for re-reading Judy Blume books, or visiting your elementary school and noticing for the first time how small it looks.

There's something to be said for seeing how far you've come.

Sign #1 (Trust me, there have been previous, but I'll start with the most recent): When I left Long Island on New Year's Day, aside from Christmas gifts and six pairs of shoes and suitase full of books, I also went through my mother's basement and found my record and poster collections, and took 'em home with me. My turntable hasn't worked in eons, but vinyl is making a comeback, and I wanna jump on the bandwagon. Lord knows how warped my records are after years in dank underground storage, but there was something about holding them in my hands, admiring the cover art that didn't require reading glasses to look at, amused by some of my choices. (Come on, you know you had that Kajagoogoo album too!)

I want to listen to my albums again. But I have no plans to hang the posters on my wall, although the thought did cross my mind for at least one or two...

Which leads me to Sign #2: I bought The Essential Daryl Hall and John Oates 3-CD set.

There was a time when you were labeled as massively uncool for liking Hall & Oates. Maybe it was their names. Maybe it was their god-awful cheesy videos. Maybe it was John Oates' mustache.

Relax, it's safe to come out now.

The compilation spans three decades' of songs. Three-fourths of my life!! Shit, man! One thing about Hall & Oates is that they always moved with the times. You can hear it in the production values, the electronic drums and synths, the progression of songs from ballad to pop. Hall & Oates made fantastic pop songs, and Daryl Hall still has one of the best voices in the business. The man can belt out a tune with such soul that you almost wanna shout out an "Amen!" I haven't heard many of these songs in ages, and I can't tell you the pleasure of singing along in my car. If you see me groovin', chances are I'm listening to "I Can't Go for That" or "Your Imagination". If you see me singing happily, it's probably "Private Eyes", "Kiss on My List", or "You Make My Dreams Come True". Great songs. Great, great songs.

Better still, I'm finding myself thinking, How would I cover that? when listening to certain Hall & Oates songs. I like when that happens -- it feeds the creative side of me, and reminds me that I'm always a revision girl.

Nostalgia can be wistful. The antithesis to the pleasure of these songs and posters was a child just trying to keep her head above water. But in the end, the good has far more lasting power. I'm smiling today. And I think 40 is just fine.

If I start searching for Shaun Cassidy records, however, you know I'm in trouble.

What are your nostalgic pleasures? Feel free to share.

39 for 39

I'm turning 40 one week from today. Since it was too late for me to steal blogger Andi Fisher's 40 by 40, I thought instead I would share 39 things I accomplished in my 39th year (in no particular order after the first).

Here are 39 things I accomplished this year (in no particular order after the first)

1. Had a chocolate/dessert party to kick off my farewell to my thirties tour. If you’ve never hosted one, start planning now. There’s no better way to celebrate your life than with your good friends and a lot of chocolate.

2. Appeared on TV. Ok, so it wasn’t Oprah or the Today show, but the Raleigh Television Network does reach some 50,000 households in the Triangle area. Problem is, only about 10 of those 50 actually watch it… About two months after my interview on The Artist’s Craft debuted, one of my students entered class and said, “I saw you on TV last night!” So there. It’s gotten some 200 views on You Tube, so hey, that ain’t bad either!

3. Appeared at Quail Ridge Books, where for the first time I signed books for people I didn’t know. My hand was shaking so much I could barely write.

4. Appeared at my alma mater as a guest author for the Temper release party. First ever!

5. Was interviewed for a magazine that is published for the US Embassy in India. Should I start picking out a Bollywood costume now?

6. Read approximately 30 books. That number is down from the last couple of years. I completely blame Facebook. The number also includes audiobooks – don’t let anyone tell you they don’t count.

7. Finished the first draft of Why I Love Singlehood (WILS). Revisions are currently underway.

8. Completed and published Ordinary World.

9. Got Faking It in three independent bookstores in as many states. More to come!

10. Visited the Outer Banks for the first time. When do I get to go back?

11. Organized a blog tour. Stay tuned for my even bigger tour coming up next month!

12. Saw U2 in concert. 'Nuff said.

13. Got swine flu. Does this count as an achievement? Don’t know, but apparently I was damn trendy.

14. Met some FABULOUS people on a certain discussion forum. Ok, we haven’t “officially” met in person, but I feel like I know some of them as if we had.

15. Met a Facebook friend in person. We went to The Flying Biscuit, of course.

16. Was asked by Aaron Sorkin for a copy of my book. I think I’m still smiling over that one.

17. Was a semi-finalist for the Best of the Best e-book contest. I intend to win next year!

18. Debuted my books on the Amazon Kindle. They hit the Kindle Store bestseller lists!

19. Actually saw a Kindle up close. Held it in my hands. Way cool, but I still love tactile books.

20. Received touching letters from people across the country about how they enjoyed my books. Still blows me away.

21. Recorded vocals for a song my eldest brother wrote. I’ve been talking about this to my close friends ever since it happened (while I was in NY for the holidays), but I haven’t been able to write publically about it because it turned out to be such a profound, emotional experience. All I can say is that it was a gift to our dad from all of my siblings, and we all participated on it. I sang both harmonies and lead vocals throughout.

22. Made lots of ice cream. It’s the gift that keeps on adding.

23. Became a certified Reiki Master. After 12 years practicing at Level II, the right time, right place, right teacher(s) finally showed up. Awesome.

24. Met David Sedaris.

25. Attended a reading by Mary Kay Andrews.

26. Reunited with my writing partner to kick off revisions for WILS. When do we go back?

27. Upgraded my cellphone. Not all that exciting, actually. It’s still just a phone and doesn’t do my taxes and all that other stuff.

28. Visited my 98-year-old grandmother, who still asks me what I want to eat.

29. Baked lots and lots of cookies.

30. Mastered the art of instant cake-in-a-mug.

31. Bragged to people who don’t care that Joshua Malina is my Facebook friend and follows me on Twitter.

32. Watched about a dozen episodes of The Hardy Boys on my computer in a 2-day span thanks to Netflix. I chalk this up to getting a head start on my mid-life crisis and regressing to my childhood. Who knew those shows were so bad? Shaun Cassidy and Parker Stevenson were still cute as hell, though.

33. Saw two movies in the theatre. That number might be up from recent years. It also might be wrong, since I can’t remember when Frost /Nixon came out.

34. Shoveled two feet of snow. This is noteworthy considering I haven’t shoveled snow in four years. Hell, I hadn’t seen snow in quite some time! My back did not appreciate this though, and at one point I could be heard screaming like John Lennon, “I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!”

35. Walked a mile in my shoes.

36. Came into contact with fabulous people from all over thanks to the World Wide Web.

37. Had a slice of Junior’s cheesecake. Need I say more?

38. Requested and received an early birthday present. I’ll share that one with you next week.

39. Laughed. A lot.

Next week I'll share 40 things I want to achieve for my 40th year.