Yes I can!

I went to Caribou Coffee at 9:30 this morning and didn't leave until approximately four hours (and the first draft of the book's introduction) later. It'll need work, of course, but I felt good about what I had written, and it came fairly easy to me--it should have, given how long I've been thinking about it. I actually wound up borrowing from my "riding the wave" post, being that the introduction was all about shifts in consciousness. I suppose the time had finally come to write about it because the shift had actually happened.

Maybe I don't suck after all.

I just hope I can keep the momentum going, not to mention the discipline. It's a lot easier when I don't have papers to grade, when I'm not having trouble sleeping, when my car is in working order, when I have a chance to crack jokes w/ my twin brother, and when I tell myself to quit stalling and write, dammit.

And seriously, the affirmation helped.
Yes I can.
I am.
And I will.
Because I love being a writer.

fears of failure

My optimism for my manuscript went out the window when my twin brother sent the rest of his feedback to me and I saw the overall tonnage of work ahead of me. I'm scared of it. Really, I am. I'm scared of the amount of work that needs to be done. I'm scared that I don't know what I'm talking about, that I'm really a fraud regarding the subject I'm writing about. I'm scared that I'll finish it and it'll suck to high hell and won't even sell to my family and close friends.

Fear is a sucky emotion.

I've got to get a grip. I've got a choice, here. I've got a choice to practice what I preach, or give in to the fear and thus fulfill my fears of losing credibility. I've got to outpsyche myself and get back on the stick and remind myself that the only thing standing in my way at this point is me and my damn irrational fears.

The irony is that more than ever, I think the message of my book is quite timely. And yet, it's that very realization that upped the ante even more, and makes me that much more frightened of falling on my face. But of course, if I keep it up, I'll jip myself out of that possibility as much as the possiblity for monumental success.

Maybe I should start saying Yes I can! Yes I can! Yes I can! I heard that that phrase is available for use now that the election is over...

riding the wave

This will probably be the last time (for a long time to come) that I use this blog as a forum to forego conversations about writing and voice my political views; however, something moved me so much that I couldn't even sleep, and I needed to express myself. I'd like to tell you what I witnessed, and why it has moved me so.

As I write these words, it is 4:45am, and my heart is full by what I have witnessed as the clock turned into morning. I wasn't living on Long Island in 2001, but, like so many of you, I watched in horor as the towers in my beloved birthplace came tumbling down. I had spent that day dreading and preparing myself for the likely news that one of my oldest, dearest friends, along w/ her husband, who worked in the building next door to the WTC, had not survived. I am still overcome by emotion when I recall the subject line of the email I received from her that evening: We're ok. I wept for joy, yet also wept for all those who would continue to wait for such an email and never receive it.

The images from New York in the days that followed were those of people of all races, creeds, and colors walking in a daze, clinging to each other in grief. Strangers who had never given their neighbors a second glance embraced each other and wept. It was a time of startling presence, of unity, of oneness in the midst of that grief.

Late last night, I watched images of crowds gathered in the streets of Times Square, Harlem, and all over the city -- one would think it was New Year's Eve at first glance, only there were no bouts of drunken displays -- and I saw people of all races, creeds, and colors, strangers, embracing each other, some of them weeping. Only this time, they were weeping for joy. And, just like seven years ago, the crowds had not only gathered in New York City, but in Washington DC, Pennsylvania, and all over the country. Tonight and this morning, the world celebrated with us.

What I saw was not only celebration of an election -- I witnessed something far more powerful. Last night/this morning, something inside of us that had been torn open seven years ago healed. I can't explain how or why I believe and feel this, but I did and do. And I can't tell you how much we needed to heal.

For those readers who voted for Senator McCain and are feeling disappointed, I hope you will ride the wave of this vibration of love, peace, and healing that has taken to the streets, and be open to whatever it brings in the following months and years. And to President-Elect Obama, I hope you, too, ride this wave, and let it guide you to a presidency of peace -- peace on terror, peace on poverty, peace on drugs, peace on AIDS, peace on earth.

To my readers, thank you for allowing me to use my blog as a forum to voice my feelings at this hour. Perhaps this was actually the right forum -- one can argue that I witnessed a moment of kairos.

And now, back to all things writing (and sleeping, eventually).

nano nano?

It's November, which means it's time for NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo. For those unfamiliar w/ the words or think I've got peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth (metaphorically speaking, since I'm typing the words), let me translate. The first stands for National Novel Writing Month. The second is National Blog Posting Month. In the case of the first, the goal is to write 50,000 words of a novel in one month. The second is to do a post every day (I assume -- I've actually never done it before!).

My last NaNoWriMo was in 2006-- it was my second consecutive year. And I "won," too--I did the 50K (with a couple hundred to spare) and produced the first draft of what eventually became Ordinary World, the sequel to Faking It. The year before that, I didn't fare as well--made it to about 35,000 words, and that manuscript is still sitting in a drawer. It's not that I didn't like the concept (actually, I love it -- it was my homage to Richard Russo's Straight Man), and I've tried several times to revive it since then, but I just can't seem to get the action going on it, not to mention that I would probably be sued for libel if I did because the characters are based on real people, and I think it's a little too obvious (then again, maybe I'm the only one who knows). Still, I hope one day I can actually finish it.

There were some really fun things about doing it. The first was the challenge and the competitive spirit of it to actually finish, like running the New York or Boston Marathon (had to get both of my homes in there!). There's also a sense of community, even though you write on your own. You can post your pages and daily word counts, and there are support groups and forums and such things. A good friend of mine used to send me a daily cartoon. And some days I really got into what I was writing and enjoyed myself. And when my students got wind of it, they started asking me about my word counts each day. I think they were both fascinated and bewildered by the process -- who writes 1700 words a day for fun???

So why not do it again?
Given my current schedule and the fact that I'm already working on a book, I plain don't have time to try NaNoWriMo, or even NaBloPoMo. But in the case of the former, even if I did, I wouldn't do it anyway. Why? Because for me, it causes me to write really crappy. Like my students who get so hung up on the page requirement (which is why I stress, "4 pages is a guideline"), I get so obsessive w/ the word count that I write passive, wordy, very poorly constructed sentences and useless descriptions. Ordinary World turned out pretty good by the final draft, but man, the stylistic clean-up I had to do... it also seemed to take longer to iron out some of the plot and character problems in revision because I had plowed through them when I got stuck, in the interest of making the word count goal. And then, on top of that, the stylistic crap got in the way. I concluded that it was more trouble than it was worth, and decided not to go for a hat trick NaNoWriMo.

As for NaBloPoMo, I suppose I could take a crack at it (I've already got two!). As Mit wrote (and thanks, Mit, for the inspiration for this post, btw!), it helps to form some kind of discipline about writing/posting every day, and I suppose it's a great way to either establish or maintain a readership because you do this as part of a community. But, I'd be worried about posting meaningless bits of writing just so I can say I posted *something* (not like I've never done that before, on this or my private blog). Besides, I already have too many distractions from getting my book done. I can see myself using this as one more.

Given my poor turnout of posts last month, and given the aspirations to better market my upcoming books anyway, I've been considering reinventing Kairos Calling to include a wider audience (like moving it to my website, removing the Purple Panda pseudonym, and coming all the way out, haha) and to maintain a momentum of writing regularly, even when I'm slammin' busy. We'll see.

In the meantime, for all you bloggers and novels writers up for the challenge, Go for it, and have fun!

a new hope

No, I don't mean Barack Obama. I'm talking about my book, thanks to additional feedback from my wombmate. I sent him the rest of the manuscript, and he's been replying one chapter at a time. Tonight, however, he called me and we chatted for at least an hour (if not longer) about it. It's the talking that's made the difference for me. I've hardly talked about this book--especially in terms of content-- w/ anyone, and I've been needing to. Badly. I didn't realize how badly until tonight.

For the first time, I voiced what's been really troubling me about this book, and why it's been so difficult to write (or break through the writer's block): I'm trying way too hard.

He noticed it, too. I didn't even flinch when he told me that my narrative sections were "weak." And most of the criticisms were the typical things I respond to when I'm reading someone's nonfiction prose: too much telling, not enough showing; expounding on unnecessary details while bypassing the necessary ones; and losing one's own authority w/in the body of both the narratives and the lessons. And it's not that I hadn't noticed them myself. I'd been aware of them all along. And yet, I couldn't revise my way out of it. I had no idea how to fix it. I couldn't see past what was on the page.

But he could. So we talked about it. We talked about the writing. We talked about the genres of narrative and memoir and spiritual/inspirational books (even tossed in a little science fiction, too). We talked about the subject matter, and a little bit about metaphysics. We talked about the reader. We talked about rhetorical situation and the appeals (although we never used those terms). I tried jotting a few things down as we talked, trying not to forget the gems. And I got off the phone feeling so optimistic about the project, wanting to get back to work now that I finally had a new, clearer vision. I think I finally know where to go w/ it, how to approach it, how and when to think of my reader, and when to not think of her, too.

I think he may have singlehandedly saved this book from becoming bird cage liners.

My twin brother and I are obviously not identical--physically, we're opposites: he's tall, I'm short; he's got brown eyes, I've got blue; his hair is straight, mine's curly (well, naturally, anyway); he's right-handed, I'm left-handed; he's smart, I'm beautiful... ok, I'm smart too... ;) Actually, I think we're more like complements. We used to call ourselves the Yin and Yang twins (one time we even showed up to a dinner party w/ him dressed in all black and me in all white, unplanned!). He's more on the pessimistic side, while I'm the eternal optimist. His writing is much more elegant, literary prose, while mine is more "popular," and when it comes to drawing, he's much better at cartoon, or caricature, while I'm better at portraits. What I love so much about this kinship (in regards to writing) is the respect we have for each other as writers as well as readers. He has the ability to see writing in literary form, while I see it in rhetorical form. Thus, when we respond to each other's writing, we exchange these perspectives that result in a more balanced piece once it's finished. What a wonderful gift for us to give each other!!

Besides, he's funny as hell, which is the icing on the cake. And he laughs at my jokes, too.

Obviously, I'm pleased when people tell me how much they like my writing. But when my twin brother tells me it's good, then I know I have arrived. Ultimately, it is his approval, his enjoyment, his laughter that I aim for, despite the fact that we have such different styles. I don't know if he aims for these things from me (if he does, for some reason I don't think he aims quite as high), but I know he values my feedback. It's just as good a feeling when he compliments the quality of my feedback.

So tonight I will go to bed, using the extra hour to process his written comments and everything we talked about. And then tomorrow I'm gonna write. I look forward to it.

on reliable feedback and semicolons

A few nights ago, I sent a chapter from my nonfiction manuscript to my twin brother for his feedback. He returned it, and I read the comments this morning.

Awesome. I mean, right on the money. Love that.

I had felt pretty good about what I had written, but when I read his feedback, I realized it was far from finished. And I refer to the entire manuscript, not just that chapter. I believe in the project and what I'm writing, but it still doesn't feel like my best work, and I really need to change that before the deadline, which is fast approaching. I'm going to send him the rest of the manuscript this evening, and hopefully he'll be up to the task of responding.

Granted, my twin brother isn't exactly the "spiritual self-help" kind of guy, but he's an excellent reader because he asks the questions that I need to anticipate from my audience. Moreover, he knows and gets storytelling, and since half of this book consists of narratives, well...
And I just plain trust him.

Perhaps the most helpful feedback was my wombmate's pointing out just how obsessed I've become w/ semicolons; he admonished me w/ this: "'Don't use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites signifying absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.' -Kurt Vonnegut, Jr." (did you see what I did there, btw?) Better yet, he got so fed up that he wrote "Kill it! KIIIIILLLL IIIIIIT!!"

On that note, I must face my day, which is challenging me to squeeze in more car repair, grading papers, and more manuscript writing, among other things (would have loved to have gone to the Obama rally, but apparently you need tickets for that?).

a shift in thinking

Yesterday I attended the QRB Write2Publish event -- the panelists included a literary agent and an Algonquin editor, and the attendance was excellent. I always enjoy attending such events, and I almost always run into someone I know, which is even nicer.

The discussion was interesting, as always; but as I listened, I found a series of thoughts going through my head: I'm doing ok. I'm right where I need to be.

I'm the first to admit that I don't know a whole lot about the publishing industry, or the business side of writing. But it seems to me that the face and dynamic of the industry has changed drastically, thanks to technology, but those in traditional publishing either haven't noticed it or haven't figured out what to do w/ it. There are so many more ways to be published now, in a variety of media; and yet, the industry is clinging to the idea that traditional is still the only way to go, that it is the only avenue that carries any sense of value or credibility. Months ago, I would have agreed w/ that. Today, I'm not so sure.

I agreed w/ Chuck as he described his love of books -- not just reading them, but the tactile pleasure. Oh yeah. I know that -- just holding a book in my hand, smelling the pages, seeing them lined on a shelf, or stacked on a table... ooooh, feel my happy pulse rising! "Tactile" books are still alive and well, but the gap between author and audience has closed, thanks to You Tube, Facebook, podcasting, and other such outlets. I was happy to hear that Chuck gave a thumbs up to Lulu (although the agent opined that publishing fiction through POD was not as viable as nonfiction; I disagree, and not just because I'm publishing my novel this way), but he seemed stymied about technology's place in 21st century publishing in terms of "solutions."

When the discussion ended, many attendees scrambled to talk to the panelists, no doubt to give a quick pitch, or hand off a card, or something. I had come armed w/ a stack of business cards, yet they never left my purse. Instead, I opted to talk to my friend Susan, and went to Caribou Coffee afterwards to do some writing and catching up w/ her. Some may think I gave up a big networking opportunity, and maybe I did, but I simply didn't feel the need.

Maybe it's because I've been aligning my thoughts w/ my intentions, but I'm feeling satisfied w/ my current path. And this is not to say that I won't consider an agent in the future, especially when my current manuscript is query-ready. But I'm no longer convinced traditional publishing is the only way to make it as an author. In fact, I probably have less confidence in it than ever. Still, I was very appreciative of this particular panel, as I'm sure many were.

I didn't get much writing done at Caribou (but I did figure out what I wanted to write for the chapter); but last night I finally uploaded the corrected PDF file on Lulu, and am awaiting yet another test copy of my book. In hindsight, I wish I could've better formatted the book to minimize pages and cost. Depending on how the test copy looks, and the opinion of a manager at QRB (I've gotten to know one of them well), I may have to change it again; but I'm hoping it won't come to that. I'm really, really looking forward to finally releasing my novel to the public.

(P.S. Happy Birthday, Stacey!)